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published Saturday, April 1, 2006

Cooking the Cosmic Muffin
Sunday, March 33rd at 11 am in the Sanctuary
Service phoned in from Maui by Reverend John H. Robinson, Jr.

It's often said that Unitarian Universalists don't believe in anything, ... or believe in everything, ... or believe everything. In this sermon Rev. Robinson will respond to those allegations of spiritual dilettante-ism.

Rev. Robinson will reveal how the words "God", "Jesus", "Buddha", "Mohammed", and other religious names really are just over-romanticized ways of referring to the one, true, Unitarian Universalist-discovered Cosmic Muffin. Recipes for which Rev. Robinson will supply.

Rev. Dr. Professor Oscard Fool, Rev. Dr. Zizi Lugosi, and Laurel Esquire will assist in the service. Worship Associate Susan Anthony will reflect on how good it used to be to sit in the pews and let other people work on Sundays.

Fashions in Anti-War Protests
Forum Sunday at 10 in the Martin Luther King Room
Participants in Sunday's forum will discuss the proper attire for wearing at anti-war, anti-globalization, anti-Bush rallies. Forum organizer Henry Kroll pictured at left (either before or after some operation) will model possible Unitarian Universalist protest uniforms.

The outfit in the photograph is a leading contender for official UU use. Its high-style ammo holders each contain colored felt-tip markers for emergency on-the-march placard repair.

The fashion standard for future demonstrations will be determined by a Democratic vote at the conclusion of the program.

Conversation, coffee, and a light breakfast are available at 9:30. What's a light breakfast? St. Louis Brain Sandwiches for instance. Other light items include pound cakes with heavy cream, deep-fried pigs feet, and of course, rutabaga for the vegetarians.

The program begins at 10. At 10:55 feet start shuffling. At 11:15 the discussion about missing the Sunday service heats up.

Candidating Week Update
Search Committee Discovers It Would Be the Best Minister
Ministerial Search Committee Chair Liz Strand announced this morning that the Committee unanimously decided to change its mind and name itself as the Society's new minister.

"In the spirit of Vice President Chaney and Harriet Miers," Liz explained, "the Committee was forced to conclude that only its members could adequately serve the diverse needs of the Membership."

"Our decision was unanimous," Liz said.

"The Committee has read hundreds of sermons, memorial services, essays, and philosophical statements on ministry in the past 10 months. Why should the Society have to settle for one flawed producer of material when we can enjoy the synthesized wisdom of the 34 ministers who were interested in serving the Society?"

"Have I mentioned that we were unanimous?" Liz concluded.

Photographer Position Opening
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The Society has an opening to replace Sonnie Willis as its newsletter photographer.

Shown here is her last photograph when she was on a photo shoot assignment. The position includes a comprehensive dental plan.

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Gold and Warfare
Illness and death are not fun topics to read about. But, other people's relationship woes make great bedtime stories.

In order to keep pace with the tastes of our readers, The Flame is replacing its "Good and Welfare" section with this new column dedicated to the details of marital blisters.

To contribute, contact the teacher of Adult Religious Education class Schadenfreude 201.

In keeping with the 8th Principle of Unitarian Universalist gossip, the difficulties of all formerly loving couples will be given equal space.

We Regret These Errors
On behalf of our fellow church newsletter editors, we apologize for these mistakes which have been published in the past 12 months.

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
    The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  • Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Rev. Robinson's sermons.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5 pm - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours" .

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Photographer Position Still Open
Bull

Mmmm.... The first person to apply for the open photographer's job didn't last. The job is still available. It has a complete medical plan, too.

The Mystery is Solved!
from the UU's for Universalist Memories

The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) has announced that it has solved the mystery at the center of life. After hundreds of years of searching, the Beacon Street Curia was able to unravel the mystery using modern technology and a marketing identity firm.

The brilliant Boston approach simply discarded the defeatist double circle and its empty middle which had been used to symbolize the unknowable at the center of life.

"That hole was an ugly artistic void," smiled UUA President William Sinkford. "We paved it with a lovely chalice."

A memorial service for the mystery at the center of life is scheduled for a suitable time at General Assembly in June. Tentative plans call for a 2:30 am Tuesday service.

COLD Deeds Program Starts
Amped-Up Deeds Curriculum Found More Suitable for SF Kids
from the Kinda Sorta Director of Religious Education

The Children's Religious Education Program has abandoned the Cool Deeds justice experience for children in favor of intense adventures more in tune with Northern California attitudes.

The first COLD Deed action was a dachshund diapering (pictured). Lots of fun for the kids and it put the little beasts in their place.

Kitty Swim class Further COLD Deeds will be:

  • Beach Littering for Teens
  • Running Over Elders -- An in-church adventure in the gallery after service where the kids help our older members improve their reaction time and keep in shape.
  • Teaching the neighbor's kitty how to swim (see illustration)
  • Mall Trolling for Fun and Profit (meet at San Francisco Center -- Bring your own iPod and ear buds)

The Circle is Un-Housebroken
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Copies of Rev. John Robinson's sermon from last week, "The Circle is Un-Housebroken" are available online.
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Photographer Position Eliminated
wolf

The next photographer applicant didn't make it, either.

Our insurance companies made us cancel the job opening. Sorry.

SF Cures Family's Dorian Gray Syndrome
Stewarts Arrive, Adopt Age-Appropriate Appearance
Within hours of arriving in San Francisco yesterday, Rev. Gregory Stewart and his family's appearance became unstuck in time. Twelve-year-old Javonte gained 12 inches of height in the first 30 minutes after drinking unfiltered Hetch Hetchy from the tap.

The family's look when they arrived in San Francisco:

Greg
Stewart's Family

The family after drinking San Francisco's pure water:

"It's a Unitarian Universalist miracle!" exclaimed Rev. Stewart. "The joy of being in San Francisco is just beginning!"

A Flickr album of Candidating Week photographs has been started with a larger version of the picture above and a couple other arrival shots. Additional pictures will be posted throughout the week... especially if ya'll send them in to the house elves.

phone: 800 POP-CORN

The Flame is published by house elves under the thumb of the First Unitarian Universalist Society of San Francisco. We want socks.

 
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You Read the Whole Thing!

Congratulations on making it through this Flaming outrage. Friends Tony's and Patti's forwarded email provided some of the fodder. The Maui minister sent something in, too. Everything else is the editor's fault. This edition was done without permission.

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Oh... April Fools!
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